The day of my next big run is fast approaching and, once again, I am woefully under-prepared. I will be running a half-marathon (21 km) this week and I have done almost no distance training over the winter. More evidence that I'm not a runner (see other "Confessions of a reluctant runner"). I could make excuses about time, weather, etc., but if I'm being perfectly honest, I really just have a hard time committing to the preparatory effort. It's like my running has become a metaphor for all the finals I every wrote through high school and university. If this run is like my other ones, I'll show up that morning feeling anxious but mostly confident that I will finish the run in a descent amount of time. I'll start off a little stiff, but fine enough. Come the halfway mark I'll know pretty much how the rest of the run will go; whether I'll be able to hold a good pace and carry through to the end with a tolerable level of discomfort, or if it'll be a torturous slog that'll have me questioning myself every agonizing step of the way, "Why couldn't I just put in the effort to train properly?"
Why indeed. It's such an odd thing, though maybe not. I do not centre my life around running, I sure as hell am not being paid to do this. It's just something I started to do a few years ago and now, well, I just seem to sign up every year. Yet every year, after I cross the line, I get the same feeling of disappointment that I didn't do as well as I could have (again, just like school). Previously, the solution has been to rededicate myself to getting ready for the next run. I would tell myself that I'd take a week or so away from running and then get back into it properly. Suffice to say, this never works out as planned. Perhaps it's because I don't feel any sense of urgency; I never was one to start a project, paper, etc. until it was just about due. Maybe it's a fear of success; if I do exceptionally well this time, then any subsequent run must be equal or greater than this outcome in order for me to stave off disappointment. Then again, it could simply be that I'm lazy. Whatever the reason, or combination of reasons, I need to adjust my expectations.
I want to continue to run these races, I really do. I think I'd feel bad if I stopped showing up to these mass gatherings of masochists in expensive footwear. What I need to do, though, is stop putting so much emotional pressure on myself. Now it may sound like I am accepting mediocrity in the face of sustained effort; so be it. What I'm really looking toward is actually enjoying myself at the this and future races. I think this has been missing from my runs in the past. Sure I get excited, and moments before the start I'm energized and focused, but I'm not sure I've really been having any fun. That being said, this week when I show up for my half-marathon I will be looking forward to a good run. Nothing more. If I do well this year, I will be pleasantly surprised. If I don't quite get to where I was last year, then I will try not to be disappointed. I'm not a professional athlete, so why pretend to be one?
In the end, whatever the result, I can still end the day by telling myself that whereas the vast majority of people have never run a half-marathon, this is just another one for me.
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